I Finally See Myself

Years and years ago I was sitting with a good friend talking through some stuff that was happening in my world. He looked at me and with loving honesty and said ‘Sarah, you lack awareness. You feel in your gut what is right and wrong, and then you ignore it and do what you want. That’s why you keep coming back to the same place. Work on that awareness of yourself and things will change.’

In that moment, something heartbreaking and healing happened. It started a long journey for me of figuring myself out. I started looking at my patterns and cycles and realized the common denominator in all of it was me. So I decided to ask the hard questions, to dig deep into the open wounds I had only covered with bandaids in hopes that they would heal themselves. I read books, I talked to people who were where I wanted to be, I was vulnerable with myself and others. It was hard and painful and felt like I would take 1 step forward and 10 steps back. But through it all, I learned to have grace for myself. I learned that I am not perfect, but I am enough. I was enough just in the exact space that I was in then. The space that I am in now. I learned the ‘why’ behind Sarah Ross, not just the who or what .

There’s a song called ‘Three’ by Sleeping At Last. When I first heard it, I felt like he had opened wide my heart and soul and pulled out the honest and vulnerable things I was so afraid to say or share. It’s written based on the Type 3 of the Enneagram. If you haven’t heard of it, I highly recommend digging in. One of the verses from the song says

‘And I finally see myself

Unabridged and overwhelmed

A mess of a story I'm ashamed to tell

But I'm slowly learning how to break this spell

And I finally see myself’

Such true words. So as I write, I have not arrived at this place where no more work of self awareness needs to be done. Yet I am in a place where I can see myself, past, present and hopeful future, and I can smile. I am grateful for Darren’s honest words, said in love, that pushed me into this journey of awareness. I finally see myself, and that’s a beautiful thing.